After all, engineers are tasked with designing and making things that carry disastrous consequences if they go awry, from bridges to pacemakers. When most people think about engineers, they probably imagine men and women working long hours to fix a broken machine or develop the perfect patch, program or update.
The truth, however, is that engineers like to laugh, especially while taking a break from strenuous problem-solving and brainstorming sessions. With that in mind, here are ten jokes just for engineers.
10. The Optimist, the Pessimist, and the Engineer
The optimist says: “The glass is half full.”
The pessimist says: “The glass is half empty.”
The engineer says: “The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.”
9. Mechanical vs. Civil
What's the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers build targets.
8. The Laws of Engineering
- Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
- Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection. If you can’t fix it — document it.
- The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the servicemen.
7. Car Problems
The car almost careened out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car’s occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?
“I know,” said the Departmental Manager, “Let’s have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goalsand by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.”
“No, no,” said the Hardware Engineer, “That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I’ve got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car’s braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way.”
“Well,” said the Software Engineer, “Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.”
6. Hunting
An engineer, a statistician, and a physicist are out hunting. They spot a buck, and each take turn to try and bag it.The physicist goes first. He pulls out his lab book and quickly calculates the trajectory of the bullet, assuming it is a perfect sphere in a vacuum. The bullet falls 20m short of the deer.
The engineer goes second. He pulls out his engineering pad and book of projectile assumptions. After a few minutes he’s ready. He takes aim and he fires. The bullet lands 20m passed the deer.
The statistician triumphantly leaps in the air shouting, “We got it!”
5. The Man in a Hot Air Balloon
The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 59 and 60 degrees north latitude and between 107 and 108 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.
“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.”The woman below responded, “You must be in Management.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”
4. The Power of Assumption
A chemist, a physicist, and a chemical engineer are rafting down a river. They crash the raft onto the bank. They have a supply of canned goods but no can opener.The chemist tries to erode the can. That doesn’t work.
The physicist uses his glasses to focus the sunlight to burn a hole in the can. That doesn’t work either.
The chemical engineer stands up and proclaims: “I’ve got it! Assume the can is open!”
3. The Job Interview
Reaching the end of a job interview, the HR manager asked the young engineer fresh out of university, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”
The engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $100,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The HR Manager said, “Well, what would you say to a package of $200,000 a year, 5 weeks of vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a Mercedes?”
The engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow!!! Are you joking?”
And the HR Manager said, “Of course…but you started it.”
2. Choices
Two engineering students were crossing campus when one asked the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
1. Biological Engineering
Three engineers were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Do you have a favorite engineering rib-tickler? Share it in the comments below.